Everything’s going to shit.
I feel like I’m losing a lot of my close friends. At the New Year’s party last night, two of them basically talked right in front of my face about how they couldn’t wait to shit talk me.
And I left the party early (as in 2 am) which I’m sure warranted further shit talks.
And I have been hanging out with Errol and his best friend, Blaine, quite a bit, which they don’t like for stupid fucked up overly dramatic reasons. I miss the days when one of my friends in particular was close with the two of them.
I almost had another full-fledged anxiety attack last night. I haven’t told anyone because I don’t want to prove people right. I started thinking about how soon I’m going back to school and my heart started pumping I started convulsing and nearly vomitted until I got myself to relax. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do that in Michigan though, like last time.
I really feel so locked up. I’m the happiest person alive but also the most fucked, kinda feeling.
I can’t believe what Errol said tonight. He said, “We’re gonna come back as completely different people.” He just fucking confirmed that after this, I’ve lost him, no matter what he says about wanting to marry me and always loving me, San Francisco, according to him and also other people I’ve witnessed “changes people.” I told him to please not get fucked up like his ex-girlfriend Angela who is now hitchiking the country on her own. He said he won’t but I bet he secretly wants to.
The past week or so has been beautiful. Everything with him has just been so much fun. Charlie even hung out with him and Blaine and I and they all got along so well and it was so fabulous and I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m gonna go back to school and lose my this true-self I have at home and lose fun and gain more stress. Sometimes I ask why i do it to myself. I don’t want to be one of those people who give up and drop out of college, but that doesn’t mean I don’t generally want to the majority of the time.
I hate New Years. I never do well on it. I hope this New Years will be like the one from 10th grade though, which I thought awful at the time, but then ended up reminiscing upon as remarkable for years afterwards. Then again I don’t want it to, actually, because the only reason why I reminisced on that so much is because everything got really really shitty directly after.
Well. I’m just a debbie downer. I don’t know. I’m just like this. Maybe I used up all my strength and optimism on the brain surgery and I’ve got nothing left in me. It’s stupid. I was so happy. I was so stable. I don’t want to go through this again. I wish I knew how to help myself. I used to. Now I’m too lazy?
I honestly feel exactly the same way. I’ve been putting off ordering textbooks and packing and laundry and printing out my boarding pass. I’ve just been ignoring anything that would remind me of the fact that I’m going back to the depths of hell (…that is how it feels) in a mere 4 days. I feel like I wasted winter break. Yoni and I had to cancel our Wednesday plans because there was a cute little blizzard. We’re seeing each other tomorrow. Or should I say today. God, I really have to stop staying up so late. It’ll be impossible to get back into a normal rhythm once school starts. I feel like I should be more excited about seeing him. But a huge part of me just wants to call the whole thing off. It doesn’t seem genuine, and it appears that he’s only agreeing to see me to placate me, and I don’t like that. I have a nagging feeling that this will be the last time I see him for a long time. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around him anymore. Is it okay to give him a hug? I don’t think I could even trust myself to do that. I’m so pathetic. I’m in this awful middle ground right now where I’m not exactly enjoying being here, but at the same time I can’t even imagine going back to school. I don’t know what I want. That’s a lie, I want to never get on that plane, but that’s just not an option. I’m knitting a scarf right now and I’ve just realized (halfway through) that I don’t have enough yarn to finish it. as;ldkjf;aslkjf;kiurewojd. I’m sorry I’ve unleashed my issues upon you and your blog. If you need anything you know you can always call me no matter how late at night it is (because chances are I’ll still be awake watching LOST)