I have writer’s block. I am using up one of my last old short stories (that I haven’t lost) to turn in for creative writing class (edited with my new age’s wiseness, of course) tomorrow. I spent the past few days writing and rewriting one story in my head for my string of stories on a particular theme I want to work on. I sat and thought and wrote and backspaced over and over. It’s really vexing, and happens to me too often. I feel like I’m not a real writer (or shouldn’t strive to be one) if I go through this exact thing so often.
Although my lack of inspiration is understandable. I have kind of numbed myself out. I was way too upset when I first got here. Crying like a baby whenever I got myself alone. But I have felt better these past few days. I still don’t feel perfect.
I feel so bad about everything right now. I’m paranoid Errol is going to do something like try and commit suicide again and if not that, then he’s just gonna get really freakishly ill because he’s been pretty sick for the past week. And I feel so guilty because it seems whenever he calls, I’m busy. Of course he is still at home and I’m at college so that is bound to happen. But I just FEEL BAD and I’m so PARANOID. Things just feel off. It just feels like something terrible is bound to occur.
I hope not. Please, no.
I’m stressed with my courses. Creative Writing is obviously not treating me well, German is really hard and I’m just…kind of disinterested for how interested we should be, (I kinda wish I decided to do hebrew or even RC Spanish), and my other class, Psychoanalysis and the Modern Novel, I only had once but made me feel like dying afterwards. Not because I hate the class or the material, no! Trust me! The material is so awesome and up my alley. But…it is also depressing material, as I suppose psych majors will often encounter.
But with all this negativity, I am relieved that I’m doing as good as I am. I haven’t come close to an anxiety attack like I was having even over winter break, I’ve been having fun and hanging with cool kids (i.e GIRL’S NIGHT), and while I have a sense of dread, I have a contrasting sense of…”everything’s going to be just fine.”
New semesters, not to mention new years, are always a bit foggy for me.
In the great words of Enya (*Charlie Starkman Voice*)
Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows?
Only time.
(I think it’s the truth.)
