Why did I have to wake up feeling so sick today.

And my nose is runny, voice almost gone, headache galore.

I had a bad feeling about the Tokyo Police Club show the whole time, because it is causing me to miss two meetings. And I started this cold before buying the tickets. And my shins suck.

But I paid for the ticket. And I really do want to go. I just have a bad feeling.

I just want to sleep.

I just want to forget all this shit with Errol, which I am trying to stay positive about.

But it is hard to, on the inside. But I just want fun things, like concerts, cute boys, and happiness to make this transition easier. But of course, I am sick, and it just…does not look like any boys are going for me.

Maybe I will just knock on Awkward D’s door, in an act of desperation. Maybe I just will.

ehhhhhh.

P.S WHY HAVEN’T YOU UPDATED IN FIVE YEARS SOFYA?? UPDATE#%$^%&

I feel like men have stolen this part of me. This sounds so uber feminist but it really isn’t, I mean maybe it is, but maybe it is also just something that happens for both men and women in relationships. I was so different before I started really loving Errol. I was more of a dreamer. Maybe my lack of cloudiness also coincided with becoming an adult, but I don’t know. I think it is so much fun crushing on these boys I don’t exactly plan on having anything happen with…laughing (like tonight…that was too amazing) and just having these frivolous, romantic dreams. I’m afraid it won’t last. Errol has a knack for making me feel guilty. I’ve never treated him fairly, to be honest. He doesn’t even realize how unfairly I’ve treated him, but all in all…I have had a knack for being a selfish bitch to him, ever since we first met. And tonight he did it again. He doesn’t mean to make me feel this way, just like I don’t mean to make him hurt…just something so tense between us lately is killer. I feel like we could be best friends again if I could just get a date, and have a clear and concise reason to move away from him.

But anyway, all the same, he took something out of me. I think he really yanked it out that night before Thanksgiving Break. The few specks of confidence and independence I had floating above my head came plummeting to the floor. My absolute dependence on him and his constant support was made clear. I think it was since then that I’ve known deep down that I need to move on, but another sort of whimsical and also another very sad part of me feels like I should and can never let go. I was so completely ecstatic and 100% sure of my feelings towards him over winter that I felt like I could be very very happy waking up next to him every morning.

But with seeing what emits from each of us in our current respective locations, I wonder how I could have actually felt that.

But sometimes I miss him so much that I just feel like I am no one without him. I felt like that on Thursday night when I came back from dance. I just felt so stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted to a hallucinatory point. I wondered what the fuck I was doing in Michigan, doing all the things I am, seeming like this person, when it just is not me. It’s a feeling I had a lot last semester when I felt like I belonged in a small fine arts school, studying photography and writing. I felt like he is the only one who can bring out this person that I love in me. And it is true, I love who I am when I am with him…but I hate who I am when I am “with him” separated by the span of the country. I can’t help but to wonder if that means there is more physicality to our love than there should be, at least at this point (this definitely wasn’t the case before we broke up.)

so, all in all, that’s a bit fucked up, right? That we basically got more physical, in a weird sense, AFTER breaking up. That we haven’t been together for over half a year and yet we basically have but can’t ever get along anymore but still feel like shit if either of us seem to be moving on.

Really, how did I pigeonhole myself into this?

He had a big part in it. But my unhappiness in the first semester here did too. I felt like he really helped me get through it, but in the meantime, that is probably a factor in the sickening dependence.

Well, that was a tangent. Mainly, I am trying to separate myself from him in the nicest way I can. I am trying to get crushes on boys at this school (semi-epic success? haha). But not even considering men, because I should NOT need them to be happy, I am trying to bring me back to me…I’ll have some more time for that now hopefully.

Speaking of which, the performance really was the happiest, most exhilarating experience I have had. I feel like if I could achieve that…I can achieve anything I want to. So, I’ll keep that in mind whenever I get down.

Of course, this carelessness is extremely temporary. I plan on getting into gear with work and study tomorrow, but I will bask in every moment of being home as possible. Milk it for all it’s worth. “Hell Week” (aka, almost two full days worth of Irish Dance in one week, one midterm, and big German midterm to somehow squeeze in the time to study for) is coming up in a matter of days. In fact, I fly to Ann Arbor Sunday morning, then go straight to dance..from 12-5 pm. Oh, but let’s not think about that now…

The weekend was spent at the infamous New College of FL. It was kind of frustrating, in all honesty, not being able to go straight home and just relaxxx. NCF was not as awesome as usual. Sure, it involved shitloads of hippies, smelly couches, substance-induced outdoor dance parties, pretentious hipsters, and random said hippies offering me heads of lettuce…and a pretty Bay, a pretty nice sun, and lots of vegan food and intellectual talk. But this is all very condensed and momentary. It really wasn’t the same as when I used to go. Leila had Kotu, Evan had Ariel, Maia was in Miami visiting her man, and Richard was, well, only seen drunken and trying to court someone. Kind of disappointing and just..not the same as the good old days. Half the time Leila and I were bored, and she had about 300 pages of philosophy to read. She was stingy about making me food and gave me REALLY smelly, gross sheets to sleep on in Maia’s room. So I go zero sleep Friday night. By Saturday I reaccustomed myself to dirty fingernail, barefoot ways of NCF and slept.

But honestly, it wasn’t the same. And it got me thinking I really made the right choice by choosing Michigan over it.

I took anotherrrrr darn flight on Sunday night. I sat in the airport for two hours. I think Leila, Kotu, and I felt so at a loss about what exactly to do so we just got to the airport in Tampa real early. And I sat in the terminal for about two hours. I felt really sad for some reason, the whole time.

I felt better on the flight because I read Trainspotting the whole forty-five minutes of it and magically finished the novel right when the airplane touched ground.

Then I STILL did not get to go home. Since I flew in so close to Miami and would have a doctor’s appointment at Miami Children’s at 6 AM the following morning, Mom booked us a cheap deal near the hospital for the night. That was alright. I just wished to be home though…my spring break is running outta days, you know! So anyway I got up absurdly early, went to the hospital, filled out forms, laid in the MRI machine and listened to its vexing noises and felt pretty nauseous and claustrophobic for an hour (normally MRI’s are fairly easy on me…this time it was really nervewracking). Plus I woke up with this terrible pain in my right temple. I think it’s from a bad toothache that my dentist warned me about a year ago now…god, I don’t wanna have to get a root canal filled!

Anyway. When that fun was over mom and I went back to the hotel to take a ten minute nap and pack everything to head to Boca…but of course the ten minute nap turned into a three hour one…hahaha. So I got home around 1 pm today. I was so happy to see the kitties and see my room. Weird how returning just made me think of Errol though. I mean, we did spend a lot of time together over winter break, and I guess that is my most immediate memory of here. But I have lived in this house for thirteen years…and all I can think of is him, really.

I miss him a lot these days. We spoke for a while today and actually got along so well. I swear, being back home brings me back to me. I don’t turn into this overly stressed paranoid psycho with him like how I am at Michigan.

Best part about the evening? Watching four hours straight of Anthony Bourdain’s “No Reservations.” The good life, man.

And I feel much better than I did earlier today.

I have an extraordinarily busy week. I am not sure how I will make time for homework.

But I really am looking forward to spring break. It will be good. It will re-energize me if I want it to.

I am updating this instead of livejournal because I am prohibiting myself from it. At least for a while. Really and truly this time.

You should read this book!!!!! “The Confusions of Young Torless”. Sick and twisted and perverse and enlightening. Very well-written, or at least very well translated! I must read more of Robert Musil as soon as possible.

I will make it through this week without my anxiety plummetting me down. As usual, Thursday is a downer. But I shall get through it and feel it all trickle away as I sit and read Trainspotting on the plane home. Yes.

And I would if I had an empty forest or something.

The past week was awful.

I am pretty sure things are going to be awful for a while.

I’m not even looking forward to Spring Break because all the plane changes are just stressful and I’m worried I won’t have enough time to relax and feel better.

I just feel so bad.

I guess it all started on Tuesday when I decided to do something really stupid and tell Errol about how we need to stop being so attached. I didn’t just tell him that, obviously, because this whole discussion went on for two days.

I really hate myself. I was fine. We were fine. Even though i was stressed, i was generally happier and enjoying myself this semester.

I think the tension with him is what started to bring it all downhill. I have had a neverending migraine and anxiety and sometimes nausea since, i’m so exhausted, i feel unhappy. Whenever I have talked to Errol since, we end up fighting. I hate this. It isn’t like this at all when we can be near eachother, AT ALL. In fact I never would have dreamed of our ‘relationship’ turning into something like this. I hate it and I hate him but I’m also unfortunately still in love with him and just miss him and I really kjldfkdjlfskjldsf!

I have too much on my plate. I keep saying maybe things will get easier after my dance show, but will they? The only thing that will make things better is having a similar sort of breakthrough I had over winter and recently in the beginning of the semester.

I wish I knew something more expedient that could help. i am trying spiritual cleansing again, only this time it is completely different because i need to dispell things from my life rather than add things to it. tryinggg…

Now I am in college, and seem to do even less to enhance my appearance.
I feel like no one around here does much. The look is sweat pants and big, puffy, ugly coats.
It’s not like people who go to school in NYC, whom are constantly surrounded by good-looking people and therefore end up looking good and put together themselves…
But then I realize, UGH. I am becoming, fashion-wise, exactly the kind of personal fashion I used to DESPISE. I still despise it, but god…when it is this cold, who feels like looking nice? Especially when I have dance every night and need to dress down for that. Especially when I’m not doing anything particularly special with anyone particularly important.

Plus, my wardrobe this year has consisted mainly of which clothes ended up getting folded on top of the giant, deep drawer in my closet. I have a lot of clothes I brought, that I like, but haven’t even touched because digging through that drawer’s so vexing!

Plus, I rarely wear make up. If I do, it means I am going out somewhere at night or in a particularly bright mood that morning. And if I do, I don’t do more than eye make-up.

I know this all seems extremely shallow, IT IS! I mean, duh, that’s probably why I don’t take such care of my appearance is cause I’m pretty un-shallow and kind of over trying to prove myself as awesome and hip or whatever because of how I look, but at the same time…I feel like I’m letting my youth down.

This is the age to dress up and feel nice and be young and beautiful!

So. As a little pep talk to myself. Maybe you should start trying to look at least a bit more presentable, Roxy. Just give it a go, aye?

(this is actually x-posted from lj, which is why I sound like I’m talking to someone who doesn’t see me all the time and doesn’t go to U Michigan…fyi!)

BUT AREN’T I RIGHT SOFYA? WTF IS THIS SCHOOL DOING TO ME?

1. I think I involve myself with so much, from UROP to dance, so I can feel more important. I am so unconfident and so self-hating sometimes. While I do find pleasure in many of the things that stress me out, I think I also force myself into them so I can feel like…I’m contributing meaning to some thing…since I feel like I’m not contributing much meaning to some one(s).

2. I am really self-conscious and that’s why I can’t handle having a roomate. I don’t think it is so much my roommate’s fault (I don’t mean this to Grace, just anyone who I might ever room with) as my own fault for worrying so much about coming off as acceptable to this other person, and not being a detriment to them, which no matter what, some things you do will annoy the fuck out of anyone…so I’d rather just feel comfortable not having to worry about someone else’s approval (and not getting sexiled and having a bedtime of course, haha).

3. I also have a ridiculous, internal obsession with interior design. My room at home has been designed and redesigned by me to suit me, and it always translates my soul perfectly. I want my dorm next year to be the same, or at least closer…

4. I have a shitty day. I had a shitty lunch and I am bound to get really hungry in my three straight hours of experiments. Maybe I should bring some crackazz!

5. I am still really paranoid and untrustworthy of Errol, deep down, since the whole fiasco at the end of November. I am trying to act like I don’t really care or I am successfully moving on when he is, but for some reason, the less attached he gets, the more angry, paranoid, and desirous I get. When he gets too attached, I think he is being ridiculous and wish he would change it; when he does, I get ridiculous. Grawr, circles!! (ps, right now is the phase where I am the ridiculous one and I feel paranoid that he has a bunch of ladies and ergh..)

6. In the end, all I really need is a new guy. TOO BAD I SUCK AT THAT. hahaha.

7. This song “Anywhere Anyone” by Dntel is so fucking good I can’t stop listening to it…in fact all the songs I have of Dntel are really, really good. Calm but filled with feeling.

8. I want this semester to go by quickly, but at the same time I don’t because I know that means that the sooner college will be over, inching closer and closer to true adulthood, which I really dread. I just need to accept the fact that I am independent now (and try to make the most of my slight bit of youth), and the future will come easier…

9. More than anything, I want to be a successful writer and get married to someone I love.

10. A year ago, I would NEVER have said that. Lmao.

11. Too bad I will not be a successful writer because I’m not awesome enough at it and I am very silly about men so won’t ever get married, and if I do, will probably end up divorced.

12. I guess I haven’t realized that much lately. Rather, certain things have been reinforced. Like how strange I really am.

13. The hot dogs in the cafeteria really ARE low low low Grade and I can’t ingest the majority of the Caf food these days. Ehh…

14. I am really freaked out about money. I need to get a job this summer. Or two. =/

15. I should be working on homework. But I feel down in the dumps.

though is my drug.

It is strange just how much I enjoy something that most people experience and are scared shitless by.

I guess it’s cause I have had it so many times. I haven’t had it in quite the long while but in my desperately need nap today (despite going to sleep early the past two night, I haven’t been able to fall asleep until 4 am…) I had it not once, not twice, but threeee times. After the third I finally decided to get out of bed.

The first time it felt like my teeth were violently chattering and when I tried to slide my bottom front teeth from the top ones, it made a terrible screeching noise, like nails on a chalkboard. I remember I wanted to do something but someone was pushing me very hard and uncomfortably to urge me not to. I could physically feel all these things. Then I woke up. Then it happened again except this time I swear only heard the screech of screwdrivers or of the same instruments dentists useto fill cavities…It was so clear. My first thought was that someone was trying to cut my head open. That didn’t last long either and when I awoke from it I was further assured that tales of people being operated on with loud, big instruments by aliens in the middle of the night is not in fact real abduction, but sleep paralysis. The third time I laid on my back, the supine position, which increases the likelihood of sleep paralysis occuring. I felt a strong presence and saw some strange phantom out of the corner of my eye. I felt like I was leaving my body, floating to somewhere else. Then I thought I regained consciousness, that Grace had come into the room, and that a television in our room was blaring extremely loudly but ridiculously coherently. I kept going, moving about and chatting with Grace as though I were up. Then I realized that we do not have a tv in our room, and i must be still in the same position, lying on my back in bed. I was.

After that one I forced myself out of bed. I feel really out of it and headachy.

And I must sound crazy…

He shipped me his hat which I am ridiculously excited about. This is the hat that he was known for always wearing, but he is giving it to me. It was actually first his best friend’s, he stole it from him, now I get it. So it has more history than just Errol and anyway that friend, Blaine, means a whole lot to me too (but not romantically, but still.)

It is the hat that Bill Murray’s character wears in The Life Aquatic. The same exact hat (but a replica.) So that is kinda cool!

Anyway, enough about hats.

I guess I am overall a bit confused about him but also not worrying too much about it either way, which is good.

I just hope this semester doesn’t end like the last one. It has honestly already gone off to a shitty start health/anxiety wise, with my night of vomitting (though I suppose that was mostly due to fever) and my panic attack last night that wouldn’t go away. Obviously some things are stressing me out that I am trying to ignore.

I’ll admit to them right now.

I’m sure one of the things that attributed to the attack last night was (belated) nerves about dance, considering I had a performance and all and was maybe more nervous about it than I realized. And the big performance in March has reallyyy been weighing on me lately. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, honestly.

Another is my schedule. From German to UROP this won’t be an easy semester.

And of course there is Errol. And the cold. And being away from home.

I really am generally SO much happier this semester. I am feeling better about returning here next year. I released all my emotions in the first week or so of returning and have generally improved since. I dare say a certain Sofya’s presence has been a big part of that! Really!

Anyway, I hope I can find a guy to at least, AT LEAST go on a date with before the end of the semester. Because if I don’t I will stay in this weird state with Errol for much longer than intended. It’s not that I don’t want to stay with him. It’s just that I knowww this is rough, wrong, and if even just for now, I must see what other men are like.

Both you and I shall strive for this!!! And hopefully one of us will succeed?

Awgh, remind me to never drink coffee unless it is from somewhere but my (our) own coffeemaker. And to preferably not drink it past 8 pm because I will get soooooooo sick to my tummy.

Okay, guten nacht!!!

Honest to gosh, German is fucking swallowing me WHOLE. I keep asking myself WHY I had to challenge myself to this extent when I could have just taken RC Spanish. I thought just because I was tired of Spanish, I would not get tired of German. WRONGGGG. And it really, really does not help that Spanish and German are so different. Like today I had to make up a test. I went over it with Karein after and you know what I did? I conjugated a verb in the third person singular for “haben” like HABE…because that is a Spanish rule, but in German, that is the conjugation for “I”/”Ich”/”Yo”. Oh godddd.

And I have a quiz tomorrow. I can’t study for it. I just don’t know how to. Fucking Deutsch has no set rules for the article form or for the plural form of nouns. FUCK YOU DEUTSCH!! Shh..don’t tell Mike the Bike or John or everyone else in the universe because everyone else in the universe seems to be in German and find it very easy. I probably would too if I started learning it in high school. But aghh!

Okay, enough complaining.

I dont know. I have a lot to write about actually but I dont have a clear enough head. I will write..tomorrow! !!